Navigating the Black Hole of Addiction: Advice for Loved Ones

Written by Dr. Jennifer L. Rounds-Bryant – Licensed Clinical Psychologist Wednesday August 24, 2011 12:00am

“They tried to make me go to rehab and I said no, no, no” sang Amy Winehouse in her 2007 award-winning song aptly titled Rehab. Amy was in good company with her alcohol and drug addiction. Michael Jackson’s drug addiction had a professional spin to it: he had a live-in physician feeding him high doses of drugs intravenously. Elvis Presley was dogged by drug and alcohol addiction that dramatically changed his physical appearance from one decade to the next.

What these and so many celebrities with addictions have in common is that their alcohol and drug addictions killed them when they still had so much more of their talent to share with the world.

While it is tempting to peer into the lives of celebrity addicts and say “what a shame”, alcohol and drug addiction is an every day problem, affecting 10% of our population and touching nearly every family in our nation.¹ Addiction is a black hole that consumes everything in its pathway, including the addict and his loved ones. Amy Winehouse’s song indicates that addiction consumed her and her family relationships, Michael Jackson’s consumed him and the children he prized, and Elvis Presley’s addiction consumed him and his record-setting career.

When faced with addiction, most loved ones desire to save the addict from himself. There is plenty of evidence to indicate that this is not possible for a number of reasons. Research indicates that treatment for alcohol and drug addiction is effective and affordable.¹ However, friends and family can not force addicts into treatment. Even when the addict agrees to go to treatment, she must be willing to invest in the process if she is to gain from it. The real struggle for abstinence begins after treatment ends and typically involves a complete lifestyle change that is challenging to establish and maintain.

The challenge for loved ones, within the context of the realities of addiction and recovery, is to save themselves from the black hole that is their child’s, spouse’s, sibling’s, parent’s, or friend’s addiction. The first step in this process is to realize the effect that the addiction is having on themselves. Most friends and family members unwittingly support addiction in the name of saving their loved ones from the severity of the natural negative consequences associated with their behavior. Being rescued keeps the addict on her destructive path, which takes a negative toll on those “trying to help”.¹

Then next step is for loved ones to make a conscious decision about the personal costs they are willing to incur to help the addict get to and maintain recovery. Most addicts will use up all available help to support their addiction, so there is precious little help left for their attempts at recovery. There is no shame in loved ones deciding that there is nothing more to give when they realize that they have already given more than they had to give.

Those who decide that they have more to give need to decide up front how their resources will be applied. Most loved ones will make their help contingent upon the addict seeking treatment and making personal attempts to remain on the pathway to recovery. Because recovery from addiction usually requires multiple episodes of treatment and abstinence, loved ones need to be ready to enforce the contingencies of their help.¹ It may be useful for loved ones to coordinate a phased effort of support in order to accommodate the natural course of recovery from addiction.

Some loved ones will continue to help an addict regardless of her behavior, understanding the cost to both themselves and the addict. This requires other loved ones to draw boundaries with them so that they are not drawn into the frustration that the rescuers feels. Addicts have a black hole of need that will never be filled while they are active in their addiction. Those who get caught up with trying to rescue an addict will be swallowed up in that black hole.

¹Rounds-Bryant, Jennifer L. (2007). Family members support drug and alcohol addiction. In Men Don’t Like Kids! 5 Ugly Facts about Human Behavior (pp. 33-54). Research Triangle Park, NC: Mental Health Solutions.

Dr. Jenn is the author of the book series “5 Ugly Facts About Human Behavior” www.5uglyfacts.com. Follow her on Facebook at “The Ugly Facts With Dr Jenn”